I hate Facebook.

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Seriously, people: stop embarassing yourselves.   I may want to hire your fat ass someday.  Then I’ll find this.  Then I’ll be repulsed.  Then you won’t get hired.  …and the Recession will continue.

FatChicksWithDouchebags – Request Edition

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This picture appears per the request of one of the many fatchickswithdouchebags.com fans out there in Internets-land.   That fan, let’s call him Aliberto, is a big Jay Cutler fan.

Upon seeing this photo, my interest in Jay Cutler grew.  So, I about researched  Jay Cutler.  My first finding about Jay Cutler is that there are actually *two* Jay Cutlers.  See if you can tell any difference between the two.  Here’s the first:

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And here’s the second:

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But, alas, of these two physical behemoths, it is only the second “Jay Cutler” that interests me, and whom we should all place our faith.

Here is a man who doesn’t mind throwing back shots with fatties.   If you flashback to the first picture you can see photographic proof. Now, that, I admire.

No matter the fame, no matter the money, no matter the diabetes, this is a man who enjoys the finer things in life.  Well, I can only assume he does….when he’s not taking shots with  Blondie McFatboobs.

Any man that has the world at his fingertips, yet chooses to indulge himself by choosing to hookup with fat chicks is a hero of mine.  I mean, who really wants to expend the effort attempting to get some hot chick to place her tongue on your scrotum?  No one.  Odds are, even if you are on your “‘A’ Poon-Tang Game,” you will not succeed, at least not the night y0u meet her.

Instead, take the easier road.  Take shots with a fatty, give her a night of “Number 6” pleasure, then disappear, never to return their calls.

Why treat them with respect?  You’re Jay Cutler.  They should be happy with you.  You don’t have any reason to be nice to them back.  You’re the f-ing QB.  You’re the man.   Don’t bother calling those unworthy bitches back.  They’re below you; they’re fat chicks and you’re a douchebag.

That’s the Jay Cutler I can believe in!

Dem Jeans

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Daaaaamm Girl
How’d you get all that in
Dem Jeans,
Dem Jeans?
How’d you get all that in Dem?
Daaaaamm Girl
How’d you get all that?
(Is you talking to me?)
Yeah, you
I bet you had to jump up and down
Just to put ’em on
Bet you had to wiggle it around
Just to put ’em on
Bet you had to lay back on the bed
Just to zip ’em up
Am I right?
(You right)
Baby that’s what’s up

-Chingy

FatChicksWithDouchebags.com Supports Multi-Culturalism.

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Although “douchebag” carries such a pejorative meaning, the douchebag depicted above gives us hope.  In fact, he sets a high standard for tolerance and acceptance; a standard most of us fail to meet.   Most of us will heckle a fatty behind her back. When she passes us on the street, we snicker as soon as she is beyond hearing distance. This prejudice is additional to any racial bias we may hold against the particular race of said fatty.

This douchebag throws our prejudices aside.  He is not only willing to be pictured with a fatty, he is willing to be pictured with three of them.  He is not only willing to be pictured with ethnic minorities,  he is  willing to be pictured with two different ethnic minorities (as far as I can tell).   Finally, he is not only willing to simulate “hittin’ it from the back” (as the kids say) in a photograph, he is willing to have sex with the skinniest one of this triumvirate the very same night he meets her, and then lie to his friends about her girth the next day.

This picture proves just how far past our racial and fatty prejudices we have come.  Now that we have seen a black President, we can begin to ask how long it will be before our nation conquers our other prejudice.  We can begin to ask ourselves, how long will it be before we see a fat President?  And more importantly, will the makers of the Chipwich be the first to receive bailout money during his reign?




Fat Chicks With Douchebags – Celebrity Edition

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Gina Carano and a bald douche.  She looks like she’ll never make her fighting weight of 140 lbs ever again.  He looks like he has a equal chance of needing a haircut again in his life.

Double Trouble – A Fat Chick Sandwhich

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A rare sight, a douchebag sandwhiched between two hefty ladies.  He looks surprised by the amount of flesh that now envelopes him.  Righty tries to hide her fat panties with her Coach Bag.  Lefty’s gray top struggles to maintain hold her fatbags from falling into her drink.  

On a related note, why do fat chicks always seem to spill their drinks on themselves?  Does it happen more than it does to skinny chicks, or do we just notice it more because it fits their slovenly stereostype?

Open up and say ahhhhhhhh…

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Ahhhhhhhhh….the open mouth of a fatty.  And the impromptu boob-grab-n-lick of a douchebag.  There is no better way to kick off this blog; a blog which will reshape all of the internets. 

She says BLAAAAAAAAAH.  He says MMMMMMM.  I say welcome.